This last week I’ve reached another point in my life where I started doing some heavy emotional work. In the past, when I have attempted doing Trauma work, it’s looked a lot like this:
“I’m freaking the hell out! I can’t do this! I’m a failure, why am I even trying? Relapse, get sober, act out on self harm, get back on track, feed into my eating disorder…….” The list and the cycle could go on and on.
I’m grateful today that it does not have to look like this when I’m walking through hard things. Don’t get me wrong- it’s not always graceful; but today more often than not, I’m able and willing to not only be open and honest about where I’m at, but also ask for what I need with out causing some major crisis.
When we have lived a life of hell, or even been through a major difficulty in our lives, we learn ways to cope or not cope. Some are healthy and some are not- but they obviously work for us- why else would we continue them?
This last week I have experienced days where I’m emotionally exhausted by noon and want to crawl back into bed. At times I have allowed myself these “adult time outs,” but I don’t allow myself to stay in bed all day. (Some days we may need that, it is what it is. It’s not “bad or good.”) Working through any kind of abuse is hard! More often than not, we have become accustomed to these “blocking beliefs” about ourselves. Some we created in our own minds as a way to explain what happened, some are placed there by others. Either way, the emotional work takes a lot of time and energy to begin to heal.
For me, it’s not just about realizing that what happened to me is not my fault… It’s retraining my brain into a new way of thinking and believing. I cannot tell you how many times a day I’m having to replace negative self talk with loving and compassionate self talk. Or how many times I have to give myself permission to feel what I’m feeling, rather than stuffing it. Our minds are powerful things and they pick up beliefs quickly. Our words have such a big effect on us and those around us.
There was a study done by Dr Emoto on the effect our thoughts have on us. He froze water and looked at the comparison of water in a jar that said positive things, IE: “Thank you, I love you, VS negative things: I hate you, you make me sick.” See the picture below: credited to Dr Emoto
Our Body is made up of 60-70% water… imagine now the power our thoughts and beliefs have on our mind and bodies.
I’m grateful for the work I have done and will continue to do. It’s just another step in moving forward with my life and owning it! It’s not always easy and most days lately have been emotionally draining… But what do we do when we are so spent and ready to give up? For me I see two possible options: I can continue down the shame cycle, belittling myself and everyone around me, or I can take a step back, take an emotional break, do some self care and hold on tight. Emotions come as waves. Sometimes it feels like a hurricane, but the feelings always pass. Feelings do not have that much power unless we give it to them. It’s taken me many years to learn and understand that concept and to apply it to my life.
No matter what you have been through in your life- You are worth it. You are worth happiness and love. Why? Simply because you exist. Life is hard at times and we go through hard things, but in my experience, it only makes us stronger. Not only that, but we then have the beautiful opportunity to share our experience with others who are where we once used to be. It empowers us, it helps us grow and we can soon see something positive come from the pain we felt that would never end. Who can you help today just by sharing your story? I hope at least one of my readers can find peace and hope in sharing mine!
You are beautiful! Don’t give up, you are so much stronger than you see!