Hello fellow readers. I created this blog as a way to express my feelings, but more importantly in hopes that you, the reader, may be able to find strength and encouragement in my stories.
This life can be so exhausting at times. We are always rushing, trying to reach perfection and seeking approval from others. Not only do we create these challenges for ourselves; but life adds it’s own set of struggles or trials if you will. At some point in our lives, all of us have experienced pain. Whether it comes in the form of abuse, drug addiction, loosing someone we love, death, tragedy, natural disasters, depression, suicide, eating disorders, self harm… the list could go on and on. Many of us live in silence with our pain for one reason or another. Sometimes we are forced into silence, other times it may be out of fear. What ever our reason is, it keeps us stuck. It keeps us in a place of fear, panic, trying to control everything and “what if?” Someone once told me that out of our greatest pain and our greatest struggles, come our greatest lessons, blessings and strengths. The first time I heard this saying, I was a teenager and an angry one at that. I disregarded it thinking it was not true, thinking; if you knew what I have lived through you would understand why this can’t be true. But like usual, I came to learn over the years that I was wrong. Why? Because out of every single hardship or struggle I have endured, whether it was brought on by my own doing or because of others choices; it made me stronger.
I’ve spent so many years of my life in fear, in being a victim, self-pity, anger, resentment, or just plain miserable. What I did not realize then is that it is a choice. I did not have choice in what happened to me at the hands of others, but I had choice in how I responded or reacted. It took me years to accept this, because when I did, that meant I had to take a hard look at myself and stop blaming everyone around me, to take some accountability.
I want to share with you some parts of my story. The things I have lived through are not WHO I am, but rather helped mold me into the Woman that I am. I am not my story, it’s just a part of the life I’ve lived.
My first memory is at age three. I remember feeling scared, confused and alone at times. I did not understand what was happening to me. I thought it was my fault. The sexual abuse I went through started at age three and went on for many years, by many different perpetrators and in many different forms. By age nine, I needed an escape. I was filled with so much pain and guilt and shame. I blamed myself. The sexual abuse only grew into more abuse; physical, emotional and neglect. I needed an outlet. Thus began my long road of addiction. I started with self harm at the age of nine. By the age of eleven I was cutting multiple times a week. The next two years I felt like I was living hell on earth. I was being raped multiple times a week by my friends brother and step-dad and forced to watch other abuse, not being able to stop it. For the longest time I believe these two years broke me. I believed for so long I was damaged and “un-fixable.” My teenage years consisted of continued abuse, leading into getting pregnant and loosing my baby girl at about 4 months along. All of this I kept secret. I dealt with it all alone. By the age of sixteen, I started using drugs to numb the pain, to escape. Still continuing in self harm and also acting out on an eating disorder. At seventeen, I was homeless, emotionally unstable and using heroin. By nineteen I wanted to die, and I tried. The day I woke up in the hospital, I was livid. I hated the Idea of God and even questioned it, but what ever it was that kept me alive I hated with a passion. Looking back on this today, I am so grateful I survived. I’m so grateful I lived. In that moment though, I had a choice to make and I knew it. I could continue on living a life of drug addiction, misery and pain, or I could choose to do something different. Thus began my Journey of recovery and finding hope and freedom.
This is the Cliff notes version of my life. I could add more but that was about the gist of it over and over and today I choose not to focus on the past. I will share my story in hopes that it can bring someone else hope, to help them know that they are not alone and that they can live a very successful and healthy, happy life. I would have never thought my life could ever look like it does right now and I’m not talking materialistic things. The freedom I have today is beyond what I ever would have dreamed of. Don’t think I don’t have problem today. I still have challenges I get to face, some on a daily basis; but the fact is today, that I show up to life. I function in society. When others hear my story for the first time, they can’t believe I’m the same person. Today I choose freedom, today I choose me. I used to hate myself so much and believed that I was so unworthy of love, happiness or freedom. Today I know that not only am I worthy of these things just because I exist, but so is everyone else around me.
We are all worthy of love, we all deserve happiness in this life. No matter what you have been through, how hard your experience has been, You CAN find hope and a reason worth living. You have so much strength inside of you that you do not even realize. This life is not meant to be lived in fear, pain or struggle. Yes, we still go through these things, but it does not have to become our identity. It does not have to become our life. Imagine how many people you can bring hope to just by sharing your experience. Just by letting them know they are not alone. We spend so much time as a society focused on the negative, on what’s going on in others lives and comparing ourselves to what we see others portray. It’s not reality. Our Society has become so Ego driven, fake and based on the illusion of perfection. We are not this. We are human and we make mistakes, and it’s okay!
What makes you happy? Really think about it. If you were the only person in this world, what makes you happy? What gives you purpose and a reason worth living? Find that passion, live it, breathe it. Be the change.
I hope this post can help at least one person. Please check back in for updated posts, stories and inspiration. This is meant to uplift and be encouraging. If you post comments, please respect that. Lets help each other rather than tare each other down.